some eloquent graffiti for the pearly gates

i was gonna write some more words about me
and my self loathing and then i thought of you
i was gonna fight more of my demons publicly
it seems sometimes its all i know how to do

but there’s a difference between community
and struggling openly, i said at your memorial
friend i think if there is to be any hope for me
i need to revisit the music and that pictorial

i feel like your sad eyes and heartbreak smile
sometimes dear friend they’re just like mine
unlikely kindred spirits, quite different styles
give tangible expressions to a tortured mind

failing to differentiate as if we shared a mind
but sometimes i feel our heart and soul are one
as if there could ever really be two of any kind
like maybe i’ve played and my run too is done

there i go making this to, too much about me
still missing the essence of all you’ve taught me
there i go breaking the tooth loose, its about free
from the cold face and angry jaw of my humanity

won’t you come to me in a dream, flap your wings
this has me trying to talk to myself in your voice
“smile, its just life its worth the price of suffering
you know i know you can make the right choice”

what would it mean for me to really break free?
like a trapeze swinger between answers i sway
i could do it for you but it really has to be for me
so fuck please remember me, ryan i want to stay

ryan, i miss you dearly my heart continues to break in your absence. i am just really starting to scratch the surface of what it can mean to really love myself. i am just starting to see around the corner, peering out from the darkness i have been stuck in my whole life. i love you and miss you so fucking much. i am angry. i am angry with you for leaving. i am angry with god for allowing it all as if you were were to become some sign or sacrament for others like me who looked to you and might in your absence learn from your mistakes. i am angry with myself for not being there more because i was caught up in my own darkness much like you. i am angry with parents, family friends and enemies. “so much anger.” angry for different and similar reasons but angry just the same. i am letting go of it ryan. i will see you when i see you. i love you.

~wayne